Star Crash

As many of you know, I LOVE bad movies. Bad movies of a very special kind: so bad that they actually end up being some of the most entertaining movies you'll ever see. I recently rented Star Crash, which is a prime example of this genre of film. It's probably tied for my second favourite worst movie ever (tied with Troll 2, and THINGS being number 1, of course).

Star Crash is the unbelievably stupid name of a B-movie from the late seventies that is a rip-off of Star Wars. This movie is so frigging hilarious it is hard to know where to start. The effects are so bad and cheesy, especially considering what was available at the time. The plot makes absolutely NO SENSE, but of course makes enough sense that you seriously question the mental states of the people who made it. The characters, dialogue, the acting, the music, the pace; Everything is just so gloriously bad it makes you giggle out loud like a little boy, even when you're watching it alone. This is a MUST SEE movie for anyone who is into this kind of thing (I know we are rare, but we are out there!).

I could describe something hilarious about nearly every single scene in this movie, but that would take forever. However, as an example, here is one. Near the end of the film, there is an epic battle between the forces of good and evil in the Universe. A fleet of the good guys' starships are attacking a giant base starship of the bad guy. There are countless shots of lasers being shot and subsequent sparky explosions. But suddenly, giant torpedoes crash through the window (yeah!) of the bad guys main control center. Two incredible things happen here: 1) the torpedo crashes through the window, exposing the ship to the vacuum of space, but the room remains pressurized and everyone can breathe, and 2) the torpedo does not explode. Instead, soldiers JUMP out of it and start shooting at the bad guys! What a great idea! No, why bother shooting a missile directly at the control center - 10 feet away from the evil emperor - and have it explode, when you can just have dudes jump out of it and try to shoot at him? So what if they inevitably get shot and killed - you can always just load up another torpedo with dudes, and shoot that over. Eventually, one of them will get a lucky shot, right? Right. Holy crap.

What surprises me the most about this film was that it was actually released in theatres. Probably not very many theatres, but still, it was actually IN THEATRES. Even stranger is that they made a trailer for it. Watch it here to get a sense of some of what I am so taken with. And yes, they actually put the torpedo scene in the trailer.

Another thing which I realized as I watched this movie: really bad actresses are way hotter than regular actresses. I have often found this to be the case, but I couldn't really figure out why I felt this way. Watching Star Crash helped me figure out what it is: Because they can't act, they seem more like real people, and are thus more attractive. For instance, when Stella seems a little too happy while some stupid alien caveman is grabbing at her and trying to beat her, it lets you know that she's just a normal person acting a really stupid scene in a stupid movie, and can't contain herself. If she finds it funny, and I'm finding it hilarious, doesn't that make us a good match? Of course it does. Plus, it does help a little that she's actually pretty hot. Wow. If I could marry a movie, it might be this one.

Oh, and one more tidbit: David Hasselhoff is in this movie. Yes, ladies and gentleman, you read that right!

I found this movie at Scarecrow video, the best movie store on the planet. It was in a special new section called "BadMOVIEArt": films so bad, they are good (inspired by Troll 2). Now that's my kind of section! I fear I may rent every movie in that section. I have to go return the beloved Star Crash now, and I may pick up another. Night of the Comet, perhaps?